Today FM - Advice From Niamh: 'I'm 30 And I've Never Been In A Relationship'
I have been single my entire life. This is hard to admit, but I am 29 years old, and I have never been in a relationship. Now, I'm not the usual. It's time to shatter the misconception that if you're over 30 and have never been in a serious relationship, you're somehow defective and must be really lonely. I am a woman in my thirties who has never had a boyfriend or a relationship. I've never even had sex. I have always been a quiet and shy.
Then go see them for some practical advice on how to accept yourself, value yourself and believe in yourself. One of the places that I would start is with your thinking habits, because even from your email we can see that you take some things as fact when they are in fact opinion or feeling. This is very common. But opinions are not facts; feelings are not facts. However by taking them as such it drives our behaviours in ways that are not useful.
“I’m 30 and Have Never Had a Boyfriend”
For example, all of these are not facts set in stone: Both are hugely effective for teaching people how to feel better about themselves. By learning how to think and behave in ways that are useful, you will find that self-acceptance, self-esteem valuing yourself and self-confidence will almost sneak up on you.
This reduces anxiety and increases satisfaction with yourself and with life. I also query if there is no family member or friend that you can talk to about this. Are you sure about that? Look around and see if there is someone in your life who has consistently shown themselves to be supportive to others and think about saying something like this to them: If I need some encouragement can I come to you? Am not asking you to be my therapist but just to listen the odd time if I need to get worries off my chest.
I’m a relationship virgin: I’m 54 and have never had a boyfriend | Life and style | The Guardian
So, the lack of dating experience itself was not any kind of red flag. Are you able to maintain good relationships otherwise, for example with family, friends, professors, or peers? Dating shares the same fundamentals as any intimate relationship.For Twenty Year Olds Who Have Never Been Loved
If you know how to be a good person to others, you can learn how to successfully translate that to a dating relationship when you find a good person that suits you, and vice versa. It's totally ok to say "this is new to me and I'm nervous! If you feel too nervous to be open, or don't trust them to hear your feelings with kindness, they are the wrong person, and you should keep looking. A good partner- whether short-term or long-term- will be honoured and happy to be a part of your journey.
I had a lovely relationship with a man who at 26 had never been on a date or kissed another person. He was a caring and fascinating person and we shared some really special experiences and dated for years.
His lack of experience was not a problem at all- in fact it made things more special. Of course you don't want to make the whole experience about YOUR newness and feelings- make sure to listen to the other person and be interested in their place in their journey as well.
I find it's helpful and fun to go meta about the experiences and talk about them. Talking about experiences actually enriches them for many people, so don't be shy to process your feelings out loud, if that feels comfortable. And again, I strongly suggest that if it doesn't feel comfortable or safe to open up to someone, you might not be doing it with the right partner.
I was shy growing up, anxious though I didn't realize it was anxiety until laterslightly awkward, very self-conscious with negative amounts of confidence, was never pursued or asked out by anyone, didn't notice or know how to respond if someone flirted, and never met anyone who I was interested enough in to do the pursuing.
Now I find the older I get without a single date, let along a kiss, let alone sex, it starts to be a vicious cycle where I feel more awkward about the possibility of any of it, and more anxious that it will never happen, and there's a seemingly exponential amount of pressure the longer I go as a dateless wonder. And the social anxiety doesn't help! I know all the advice says just be yourself, you'll meet someone eventually, put yourself out there, don't be afraid of rejection, there's someone out there for you - but that gets hard to hear.
And although they mean well, when even my boss is asking if there's any news in my love life, it's hard to deal with. Honestly I find it very embarrassing to admit that I have absolute zero experience in anything romantic or sexual. It helps to know I'm not alone, so I thank you for your post, and I wish you lots of luck.
If you ever want someone to talk to who's at a similar place, feel free to memail me. And thank you to everyone who is responding - it's all very helpful and heartening. I had built it up in my head as this huge thing that I'd never be able to do, but when I finally went on my first date it was easy and fun.
She's doing great and the guy is awesome.
Advice From Niamh: 'I'm 30 And I've Never Been In A Relationship'
Anecdata but there you go. It was all very embarrassing and lonely to me at the time to have zero relationship experience. I hated that feeling. I'm 40 now and have been with the same guy for 8 years now. They've been together for 12 years now and they look very happy to me.
No, you're not too late at all. He was open with her about not having had any previous relationships. That openness was probably a good idea and caused zero problems. It may have prevented some. As far as I know, my friend's partner found his lack of experience not offputting at all, and in fact kinda sweet. They had been friends for several years before they got together in a romantic sense. I'm not saying that this is the only way this could work, but it worked for them. If you're worried about a lack of sexual experience, keep in mind that people are very different.
A new partner always means that a lot of things are new, and experience will only get you so far: So there is always a lot to learn. Two pieces of advice, from someone who has been in a similar place: You can communicate that, of course, but you may also find it worthwhile to wait it out, to some extent.
For me, it took a few months before I could relax and have downtime with my partner almost as easily as I could alone, and it was really nice when the relationship reached that point. This, so much this.
I was in a relationship from age and honestly had the most basic, repetitive, unadventurours sex. Unsurprisingly it ended up being fun learning each other and the anxiety of not knowing quickly drifted away. If the relationship is supportive; it's pretty overwhelmingly intimate sharing so many firsts with someone you care about. I met my now-husband when he was He'd never been on a date. I had more experience had been married but his lack of experience wasn't any issue at all. We've been married 25 years this year.
Do you really feel as though your world is that small, that life is so over for you that no more experiences can be yours? If everyone felt this way, how would anything ever get done? I've never tried durian for a number of reasons including it not being that important to me, it being scarce in my part of the world, and some anxiety over the smell and taste.
Should I not try it when given the chance? Should I be ashamed that I've never had it when offered? You're acting like your life has already been decided just because you're thirty They would kill to be your age! But nothing came of it except a terrible hangover and a few weeks of embarrassment at work. About a year after that, I did something similar at a party.
This bloke was chatting me up, the banter was good, so when he asked if he could take me home, I said yes. Soon after that, I went on holiday with a couple of girlfriends and I had a week-long fling with an Ozzie barman, which was fun and made me feel normal.
I’m a relationship virgin: I’m 54 and have never had a boyfriend
Finally, I was the one who had something to talk about, the one who was giggly and giddy with excitement and self-importance. That was my last time. I am gregarious, have loads of interests, work out, have good dress sense — or so I am told — and am no more or less attractive than my friends, most of whom are happily married, or at least know what it feels like to be in love. It was hard watching them settle down, and even harder when their children started dating.
I had wiped their bums, and one by one, from about age 14 onwards, they started to overtake me.
That was bad, but not quite as bad as when it dawned on them that there was something very, very unusual about me. Kids are so prepped for relationships these days — even year-olds talk about having girl- or boyfriends. So when they realised they had never seen me with a man, out popped the inevitable, nausea-inducing questions: I never felt I was being stand-offish, but maybe there was something in my body language that made me less approachable.
I remember when my two best friends and I started going to pubs. We would have been about 17 and our interest in boys was just awakening. Those were the days when lads would come up to your table and ask to buy you a drink and generally things would start off well enough, with everyone chatting, but then, as the evening progressed, I would slowly be rubbed out until I felt I had become totally invisible.
Psychologists say single people are more fulfilled.