Career Talents, Values & Interests for Enneagram Type Fours Relationship Compatibility for Fours with Other Types . consider themselves exempt from having to follow the rules and protocols that most people choose to live by. . 7. The ability to create “works of art” (term used broadly) that are beautiful, poetic, touching. 1 | Page. Enneagram Love Relationships. Contents. Type 1. 7. TYPE 4. . practical, they will fight back. The Seven doesn't want to follow limits and rules. Enneagram Type Four (the Individualist) Fours and Sevens bring to their relationship the charge and mystery of their differences—that they think so differently.
The Perfectionist, however, can experience the Giver as being too tied to the relationship and even dependent and unnecessarily helpful. The Giver, in turn, can feel unappreciated, judged as being hedonistic and giving too much, and therefore not acknowledged by the emotionally restrained Perfectionist. A cycle of heightening conflict can manifest with criticism and counter-criticism about what is wrong, who needs help, and what constitutes care.
This can lead to estrangement, especially since neither type is good at expressing desires and needs even though Givers can be on the hedonistic side in the service of others.
As a result, estrangement and deadening can lead to disruption of the relationship. Relationship Development for Perfectionists with Givers: What to Acknowledge about Self. Disowned judgmental tendencies, under-acknowledgement of positives, suppression of pleasure and desire, inflexibility. What to Appreciate in Givers. Helpfulness, attention to the relationship, caring, exuberance, adaptability. Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship.
Devote time to pleasure and relationship building. Relationship Development for Givers with Perfectionists: What to Appreciate in Perfectionists. Commitment to improvement, restraint and self-reliance, high inner standards, consistence, devotion to practical virtues.
Practice steadiness and consistency. Welcome suggestions for improvement. The Perfectionist, however, sometimes may become critical of the way the Performer discounts important details, cuts corners, speeds through things with their fast pace, and making changes to suit circumstances.
This pattern can become compounded since both types tend to avoid feelings, which eventually leads to alienation and separation. What to Appreciate in Performers. A can-do attitude, positivity, shared value in work and competence, goal focus, efficiency. To reduce the emphasis on minutiae and correctness.
To moderate the intensity embedded in judgmentalness. To make time for the relationship, pleasure, and relaxation. Take time to slow the pace and encourage the Perfectionist to do likewise. Allow in more receptive force. Pay more attention to details and underlying principle. Make time for the relationship, pleasure, and relaxation. A cycle of escalating conflict and blame can materialize, characterized by complaint and counter-complaint and even withdrawal.
Neither then feels supported or worthy and both feel estranged and alienated, which ultimately endangers the relationship. What to Appreciate in Romantics. Depth of feeling, uniqueness, creative flair, idealism, empathy for others and especially those who may be suffering. Appreciate more of what is good and positive rather than what is wrong and negative.
Disowned emotional fluctuations, difficulty accepting constraints and ordinary aspects of life, disproportionate idealism, a tendency to focus upon what is missing or lacking in the relationship, sensitivity to criticism. Practicality, conscientiousness, commitment, holding to convictions, striving for improvement, attention to detail. Cultivate practicality, restraint, and steadiness even in the presence of strong feelings. Accept criticism as positive and not a reflection on self-worth.
Stay present and in a state of gratitude for what is. Encourage Perfectionists to express desires and acceptance. Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 5, the Observer Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts While both types share the qualities of restraint, control of feelings, rationality, self-sufficiency, and respect of boundaries, these same qualities represent challenges in communicating feelings and desires and for connection. The Observer tends to retract and withdraw as a protection against the perceived intrusion.
This, in turn, can invite further judgment and resentment or anger from the Perfectionist about what is wrong with the relationship and further angry retraction on the part of the Observer. Both can turn silent and withholding, endangering the relationship.
What to Appreciate in Observers. Work at sustaining non-judgmental and moderate engagement. Your sensitivity to intrusion and criticism, an avoidance of feelings and charged issues, a tendency to withdraw or take superior position by judging in an intellectual manner.
Restraint, practicality, self-reliance, dependability, high standards, striving to improve things and relationships as a form of care, attention to detail.
Move forward and embrace feelings and charged issues. Find ways to enliven the relationship, including the physical relationship. Encourage Perfectionists to live and let live and in the process, to become more accepting of differences in others.
Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 6, the Loyal Skeptic Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Perfectionists and Loyal Skeptics often work synergistically in the pursuit of making a better world and correcting injustice.
They are sensitive to each other and dedicated. A cycle of escalating conflict and blame can result when the Perfectionist becomes more critical and angry, feeling that nothing can make the Loyal Skeptic secure and certain. All of this can lead to pain and even disruption or an end to the relationship. What to Appreciate in Loyal Skeptics. Loyalty, endurance, warmth, intellect, healthy questioning, sensitivity to real issues. Attune more to positives and encourage the Loyal Skeptic to do the same.
Provide reassurance, not correction. Allow for more playfulness and lighten up. Work at appreciating the differences between you. A disowned magnification of negatives and worst case scenarios, sensitivity to criticism, contrary thinking, a doubting mind, a tendency to mistrust, difficulty staying with pleasures. Restraint, conscientiousness, high ethical standards, their striving for improvement, dependability, desire for the best, attention to detail. Pay attention to all the questioning and doubts in order to become more trusting.
Attend to and savor positives and pleasures and encourage the Perfectionist to do the same. Accept criticism without magnifying it. While these contrasting qualities can complement each other, they can also lead to a cycle of escalating conflict. This can devolve into explosive outbursts by the Epicure and righteous fixed-position anger on the part of the Perfectionist. Ultimately, this polarity can become intolerable to both types and end the relationship.
What to Appreciate in Epicures. Spontaneity, enthusiasm, optimism, flexibility, future orientation, a fun-loving quality. Practice lightening up and letting go of judgments.
Grasp the polarity in styles. Make pleasure a priority. Resistance to limits, avoidance of details and ordinary life tasks, tendency to rationalize and reframe, an inclination to be self-serving. Self-control, conscientiousness, high ethical standards, their striving for improvement, practicality, industry, attention to detail and ordinary life tasks.
Become more grounded in the present. Hear and even welcome negative feedback. Maintain a healthy pleasure orientation and encourage the Perfectionist to embrace more pleasure. Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 8, the Protector Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Perfectionists and Protectors often join together in pursuing causes related to fairness, justice and shared interests.
However, conflict arises over their considerable opposite tendencies. When this interaction becomes polarized, it can lead to entrenchment, angry outbursts, withdrawal, and eventual destruction of the relationship. What To Appreciate In Protectors. Strength, leadership, decisiveness, directness, exuberance for life, pursuit of truth, generosity.
Become more spontaneous and appreciate this in the Protector. Develop genuine flexibility, not just flexibility based on an internal standard. Stand firm regarding core values. Express your own desires and needs. Develop comfort in expressing anger. Recognize and work with the polarity in the two types. A tendency toward excess, going from impulse to action, an all-or-nothing style of attending my way or the highway stanceinsensitivity regarding impact on others.
What To Appreciate In Perfectionists.
Restraint, conscientiousness, high ethical standards, striving for improvement, industry, fairness, attention to detail. Practice moderating impulsivity and impact. Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 9, the Mediator Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Perfectionists and Mediators often join together in attending to detail and leading an orderly, steady life.
Mediators, however, can feel criticized and prodded instead of encouraged by Perfectionists. As a result, Mediators may end up feeling inferior. In attempting to please, they over-accommodate and build up stubborn resistance that annoys and frustrates Perfectionists. A cycle of escalating conflict can follow, leading to further prodding of the Mediator, which creates a power struggle: This pattern is compounded since both types have difficulty knowing their real needs and desires.
Over time the relationship can deteriorate to extinction. What to Appreciate in Mediators. Flexibility, patience, acceptance, adaptability, steadiness, genuine care, empathy.
To build acceptance and appreciation of your differences. Develop flexibility and patience. Supportive structure, clarity, industry and effort, conscientiousness, improvement and fairness in orientation. Pick up your own pace. Take positions and make initiatives. Face anger and conflict. Type 2, the Giver, with Another Type 2 Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Givers join together in valuing a focus on relationships and in appreciating the nurturing quality and sensitivity to feelings in each other.
Having little awareness of their own needs, however, they may become overly solicitous with each other, compete for approval, and feel unappreciated, unfulfilled, and ironically unconnected. Failure to get into the natural flow of giving and receiving, can lead to emotional upset and to who is dependent on whom. Ultimately hurt feelings may then ensue leading to angry, emotional outbursts and ultimately to withdrawal or rejection.
There just may not be enough flow of giving and receiving to sustain the relationship.
Relationship Development for Givers with Givers: Pride connected to giving leading to tendency to be overly helpfuldifficulty receiving, inattention to own needs, anger when needs go unmet or when feeling unappreciated, over-connection in relationships, and unhealthy focus on gaining approval.
What to Appreciate in Other Givers. Helpfulness, relationship orientation, genuine care and support, positivity, flexibility, and sensitivity to feelings. Express own needs and desires directly and encourage other Giver to do the same. Practice getting into the natural flow of giving and receiving.
Conflict occurs when Givers experience Performers as discounting feelings and relationship issues, while Performers experience Givers as getting off task and wanting too much time and attention. A cycle of increasing conflict can result with the two types polarizing — the Giver feeling rejected, getting emotional, and emoting anger and with the Performer feeling unrecognized and impatient and then disappearing into work.
This pattern can result in withdrawal and eventually in alienation end to the relationship. Positive accomplishment orientation, enthusiasm, hopefulness, efficiency, and material support.
Balance relationship and goal orientations. Both Fours and Sevens love the finer things of life, travel, good food, wine, clothes, and furnishings, and, for better or worse, both can tend to overspend their incomes on what they consider life's necessities—caviar, champagne, and another trip to Europe. They both have a love of the new and a sense of adventure and romance that can keep their relationship fresh and lively for themselves and be a source of joy and inspiration for others.
Both types can be funny, irreverent, and entertaining. There is also an earthiness and bawdiness to both, as well as, paradoxically, a sophistication and elitism.
Being opposites, Fours and Sevens can balance each other: Fours bringing a sense of depth and interiority, while Sevens contribute a sense of fun and emotional resilience. Potential Trouble Spots or Issues Because they are so different in many ways, Fours and Sevens must have several strong points of attraction or else they will likely miss connecting with each other. Unless some strong passion romantic, mental, or spiritual keeps them together, they are likely to fly apart if there are any deep disagreements or conflicts early in the relationship.
Both types tend to be impulsive and to be easily frustrated with others when they are disappointed or if their life circumstances do not go as they expect. In the course of their lives, Fours may try several different identities on for size, basing them on styles, preferences, or qualities they find attractive in others.
But underneath the surface, they still feel uncertain about who they really are. The problem is that they base their identity largely on their feelings. When Fours look inward they see a kaleidoscopic, ever-shifting pattern of emotional reactions. Indeed, Fours accurately perceive a truth about human nature—that it is dynamic and ever changing. But because they want to create a stable, reliable identity from their emotions, they attempt to cultivate only certain feelings while rejecting others.
One of the biggest challenges Fours face is learning to let go of feelings from the past; they tend to nurse wounds and hold onto negative feelings about those who have hurt them.
Type Four — The Enneagram Institute
Indeed, Fours can become so attached to longing and disappointment that they are unable to recognize the many treasures in their lives. Leigh is a working mother who has struggled with these difficult feelings for many years. I have had a trail of relationship disasters. I went years without joy in my life, just pretending to smile because real smiles would not come to me.
I have had a constant longing for whatever I cannot have. One day, the dog found a bone, carried it to a safe spot, and started gnawing away. The dog was so hungry that it chewed on the bone for a long time and got every last bit of nourishment that it could out of it. After some time, a kind old man noticed the dog and its pathetic scrap and began quietly setting food out for it. But the poor hound was so attached to its bone that it refused to let go of it and soon starved to death.
Fours are in the same predicament.
Relationship Type 4 with Type 7 — The Enneagram Institute
As long as they believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, they cannot allow themselves to experience or enjoy their many good qualities. To acknowledge their good qualities would be to lose their sense of identity as a suffering victim and to be without a relatively consistent personal identity their Basic Fear. Fours grow by learning to see that much of their story is not true—or at least it is not true any more.
The old feelings begin to fall away once they stop telling themselves their old tale: Profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal, possibly in a work of art.